Amanda Todd.

It’s twenty to ten at night, and I should be happy. I’ve had a great day today, I’m at uni, I’m doing all these great things, I’m making something of myself – my fiance is coming to see me tomorrow and we’re going to have a great weekend. So why am I sitting here in tears? Because tonight I’ve read something that’s shown me just how easily it could all have been so very, horribly different.

On October 10th, Amanda Todd died. If you haven’t heard about her, you’re probably thinking “Oh – well, it’s sad, but why is she blogging about it?”. I’m blogging about it because Amanda Todd was 15 years old, and she committed suicide after relentless bullying.

Why is there still bullying? Why haven’t people learned that it’s easier, and nicer for everyone to get along – and if that’s too hard, to at least have the decency and respect to keep any negative opinions to themselves? Is there something inside some people that means they’re programmed to bully? Why is it present in some kids from the age of three or four – is that because of their parents, or are some people always meant to be bullies, and others always meant to be victims?

I don’t understand what pleasure people can get from putting others down and making them feel bad about themselves. Do they not feel overwhelmed with guilt? I really fail to understand it. I don’t buy the whole “bullies need sympathy” spiel – yeah, they may be having some hardship in their life, but do you know what – a lot of people have to go through hardship BECAUSE of those people, and you don’t see the majority of them continuing the cycle. Bullying is inexcusable – I don’t care what the reason is. If you wake up in the morning and think “I’m having a bad time… on the bright side, I can criticize _____’s weight/hair/clothes later, that’ll make me feel better”, GO BACK TO SLEEP. Stay in bed, stay in your house until you feel like you can be a decent human being as opposed to a disgusting excuse for a person.

Back to Amanda Todd. She posted a video in September about the bullying she was going through – she didn’t speak or show her full face, but she explained her story, the mistakes she’d made – small, nothing-y mistakes in the big picture – and the constant, unyielding barrage of hate she’s received in return. The thing is – teenagers make mistakes, humans make mistakes. We learn from them and move on. The people with real problems are the ones who can’t move on, the ones who feel the need to bring it up again and again, years after it’s happened. Surely it shows there’s something missing in their lives?

Normally I don’t really like people who post pictures of their scars from self harming online – it can sometimes seem like silly attention-seeking as opposed to a cry for help, especially when it’s all Picasa-edited and put on Tumblr with depressing song quotes accompanying it. However, at the end of her video, Amanda included a picture of what we assume is her arm, with some really nasty cuts on it, and I think it’s a good thing that she put it on there. Maybe anyone found to be bullying should be sat in a room and forced to look at pictures like that one (it’s pretty graphic so I won’t be posting a link to the video on here, I’m sure that if you Google search “Amanda Todd”, you’ll find it – I definitely recommend watching it, but I won’t put it in the post just in case anyone who doesn’t want to see it, sees something they don’t like), and maybe then it’ll make those bullies realize the damage they can cause.

I was bullied, and I self-harmed – pretty badly at times. I never took pictures, but the scars still show up sometimes – I went swimming today, and I don’t know if it was the chlorine or the water in general, but they do show up on my arm. I still feel self-conscious about them, but at the same time, they’re a sign that I survived. Unfortunately, there are so many young people out there who aren’t as lucky as I am. They aren’t lucky enough to have understanding parents, or a sympathetic doctor, or access to counselling and above all, a wonderful person who changes your life for the better in so many ways. They’re left alone, without anyone to help – and that’s why things like this happen. That’s why girls like Amanda Todd do things like drink bleach and slit their wrists. Take boys like Cade Poulos (the 13-year old boy who killed himself in Oklahoma at the end of September) and Jack Reese, a 17-year-old from Utah who killed himself in April – and bullying is the reason why they also both committed suicide.

Bullying kills – so why aren’t bullies ever arrested in these situations, for murder or at least manslaughter? Why are they allowed to get away with it, to live their lives normally when they’ve shattered so many others. Maybe some of them regret their actions, but I’m guessing the majority of them like to pretend it never happened, to act like they had nothing to do with it. They are the ones who take the easy way out. Before anyone says “suicide is the coward’s easy way out”, you’re wrong. The bully has it easy – they get to carry on living their life, and if they’re cold-hearted enough to push someone into taking their own life, I doubt they’ll lose much sleep over it. The victim has to make an enormous choice, fighting their emotions, feeling lost and worst of all, alone.

So this evening’s  been a tough one. I’ve cried a fair bit and right now, all I want is a cuddle – and to know I only have to wait until tomorrow helps, but in the mean time, I needed to get it out – so I made a video. Call me self-indulgent, call me emo, call me whatever you want – this is my call to anyone who’s been bullied, who’s been made to feel worthless thanks to the words and actions of others – we need to stand up. We can’t sit there in silence anymore – the world needs to hear our story, and they need to change their preconceptions about us.

So yeah… here’s my story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCu74K5s3pY

A Letter To My 13-Year-Old Self.

Revision is not going well – my mind just really isn’t in it today – so I’ve decided to change things a little bit, and I am going to write a letter to my 13 year old self. The power of hindsight is a wonderful thing, and there are many things that I think would have turned out better had I heeded the advice I’m about to give myself. That said, I’m so happy how I am today, so don’t read this and assume I’m not happy with my life. This is partly a writing exercize, and partly because I’m bored.

Dear 13-year-old-me,

The next few years are going to be tough on you, and right now you’re not prepared for them at all. You’re still drifting through school, not really paying much attention to lessons other than ones that interest you and you have a few friends, but you’re not exactly popular. So, here’s my advice for you over the next four years, to wind up as awesome (if not awesome-r) as your current, 17 year old self.

• Pay attention in Maths and Science lessons. Yes, it’s boring. Yes, we hate science and maths, but you will regret not paying attention – I find myself wishing I understood maths and science better because I struggle with it, I’ve forgotten virtually everything I used to be able to remember and I think there’s a few times where it could’ve been handy. Had I listened more when I was your age, I could have gotten As in the sciences and a B in Maths. I’m happy with the Cs in Maths and Physics and the Bs in Biology and Chemistry, but I know it could have been better, if I’d gotten over the fact that I find them boring and paid more attention.
• You’re too young for boys. Disregard all boys that come your way until December 31st, 2010 and you’ll end up very happy and not with a load of self-esteem issues that still bug you to this day.
• If someone whose name begins with “D”, who enjoys science fiction, writing and acting reveals that he likes you a lot on December 31st, 2010, don’t hesitate to admit that you return those feelings, because by the time you’re my age, you will have had the best 17 months of your life.
• Learn as many musical instruments as possible! Start playing the guitar and ukulele early, I only started a couple of years ago and I regret not learning earlier because I could be so much better by now. Keep going with the singing, regardless of what people say – in the future, it will open a lot of doors for you.
• Take every opportunity to perform that you get, and don’t let confidence issues convince you out of it.
• Don’t bring your problems home and take them out on your family. They’re struggling with your teenage mood swings enough, let alone having to put up with you being a royal pain thanks to other things happening in your life.
• Don’t wait as long as I did to get a sudden confidence boost. When you’re in a situation with new people, introduce yourself. Be friendly and be yourself, but for god’s sake, CALM DOWN A BIT. If you’re hyper it’s only going to scare people away. By the time you’re my age, you’ll have found a happy medium – when you need to be, you can be serious, but you’re also not afraid to be goofy and go a little crazy, especially when you’re scaring pigeons away and screaming as crabs chase you.
• Don’t spent your time worrying about what other people think about you. One of the most stupid things I’ve ever done is change myself into a quiet, reserved person because I was worried that people would mistake my… well, I like to think of it as quirkiness … for special needs or something like that. These days, people can think that about me if they want, it just shows their ignorance because they don’t take the time to get to know me and find out that I don’t have SEN, I’m just making the most of being a child before I turn 18.
• School isn’t the be-all and end-all. For all I said about paying attention in Maths and Science, don’t let it take over your life! Chill out a little bit or you’re going to get stressed and over-worked. Do all your homework when you get it, do work in the lessons rather than chatting and messing about – which, by the way, doesn’t help with the whole “People assuming you’re special” issue – and you won’t have to spend hours at home trying to do it but failing because you didn’t listen to the teacher.
• Don’t stress about not becoming a prefect – at the end of the day, the teachers were right. The prefects ended up as basically targets for the misbehaving students, and you can do without that stress in your GCSE year. Plus, I don’t think it turned out to be quite as good as people thought it would be. And hey, most of your friends didn’t get to be prefect either, so it’s not like you’re the only one. You’ll end up having an amazing Year 11 regardless, and no matter how many times you say you can’t wait to leave, as soon as you get to college you’ll be wishing you were back there again!
• There are certain people you shouldn’t bother with, and others who you should bother with more. I’m not going to name them here out of respect for their privacy, but when someone is a friend to you, don’t be mean to them – and when someone is mean to you, for heavens’ sake don’t try to build bridges, it’ll only lead to more trouble in the long run. Small arguments are going to happen, especially when some of you have such personality clashes, but there are people you still speak to today who you had arguments with in the past and got over them, and that’s worth it. On the other hand, there are people you ignored the major arguments with and insisted things would change, and now there’s irrepairable damage. Still, don’t assume that’s a bad thing.
• You are going to miss your friends a hell of a lot when you go to college, so make sure you stay in touch with them over Facebook! Never underestimate the value of social networking; for all its faults it also has advantages.
• Deefer is going to die, and it’s going to absolutely break your heart, but don’t worry and DON’T blame yourself. You’ll have another dog and she will change your life completely, so much for the better.
• Stop wearing make-up earlier than I did. You’re beautiful without it, it can destroy people’s skin and you’ll feel so much better for it. Special occasions will feel more special when you’re getting ready and putting make-up on, and it’ll save you money when you’re not wasting £5 a time on foundation.
• Don’t worry about the future. When you’re 13, university isn’t something you need to worry about. You’ll go through ups and downs of wanting to go and not wanting to go, and you won’t know what course you want to do and at times you’ll just feel like giving it all up, but don’t! As I’m writing this, I’m looking at a box by my window which is slowly filling up with things ready for university, and it makes me smile because I’m going to university – despite everything, I’m going to go.
• In short, to borrow a favourite quote of mine, live like there’s no tomorrow. Laugh every chance you get. Learn from your mistakes – and don’t make them again! Love the people who will love you back. Live the life you love and you’ll love the life you live.

Don’t worry. Life’s going to throw some nasty stuff at you, and you’ll have the scars to show for it when you get to my age, but you’re going to get through. Nothing can get you down – you’re strong and you’re beautiful and, one day, you’ll be writing this post to your thirteen year old self, looking back on the years and realizing that regardless of what is thrown your way, you’re stronger than you seem, braver than you believe and smarter than you think, and I think you’re going to be just fine.