There may be trouble ahead…

Sorry for the cheesy title – but the song seems to be quite apt at the minute. I’m trying to keep hopeful, and tell myself that there’s nothing I can do and I need to wait and see what happens – but it’s looking more hopeless by the minute, and I’m going to have to make some tough decisions pretty soon.

I want to be a midwife. I know I want to be a midwife, and it’d be a shame if I never get to be a midwife because it is a career that really interests me – but I don’t know if I come across as passionate enough about it to get in. And that’s if I even GET to an interview – at the moment, it looks like they only want people with work experience (living where I live, that isn’t easy), and all the courses for 2012 entry are closed. So, right now it looks like if I want to do Midwifery, it’s going to be a gap year for me – I can’t see myself being taken on for Midwifery in Clearing, and although people keep telling me to keep hoping, I need to be realistic now – hope is all well and good, but it’s not going to get me a university place. Let’s look at the facts – I have a personal statement completely geared towards doing Drama, I have no work experience in Midwifery and no-one had any idea I even had an interest in it until last month. In Clearing, I’ll be up against people with midwifery-geared personal statements AND work experience – they just didn’t get past the interviews for their first choices. Being realistic here, I really don’t stand a chance.

I’m trying not to let it get to me – I hate moaning, although I seem to do a lot of it – and I’m determined not to let it spoil the next few months, but it’s so hard. I’m getting so confused – being bombarded with stuff about University and seeing these kids on TheStudentRoom who’ve had their whole lives planned out for ages and have every chance of achieving that and having a simple, smooth application process, getting into Oxbridge and not sitting up, wide awake because they can’t sleep knowing that they need to make a decision. And then I have people telling me to keep hoping and relax, but I can’t! I don’t want to keep hoping until the morning of results day, when I wake up (if I even get to sleep) and realizing that when all these people are looking forwards to going to university, I have nowhere to go – if I take a gap year, the most productive thing that will come of it will be getting to tenth prestige on Call Of Duty because there’s a pathway to nursing course taking place nearby, but I really don’t like the sound of it. There’s no jobs available and basically, nothing I can do. I need to go to university this year, otherwise my only other option is go back to college, and there’s no way I’m going back to that hell hole. It’s a struggle to keep going in day after day at the moment!

I’m really at a loss as to what to do. I had two offers and three interviews for drama-related courses which I applied for in a rush because I knew if I put it off I’d keep changing my mind (I guess that’s the definition of irony), and I declined them all and now I’m stuck in a rut. Why didn’t I leave things as they were? Yes, I probably wouldn’t have been thrilled with my course, BUT I’D BE ABLE TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW!

The temptation is there to just jump at the first course I see in Extra/Clearing that looks as though it might interest me and spend a year doing that until I can sort out what I want to do next – but then I have to work out finances and applying all over again and the same thing might happen and there’s so many things that could go wrong.

All I want to do is hide in a corner and let other people make my decisions for me. I’m 17, and what I choose to do now will have an impact on my future, both in the short term and the long term – I don’t feel old enough for these decisions!

My Future

So, as you may have guessed, this is a blog post all about… er… my future! And the uncertainty that no doubt lies ahead, joy of joys.

I’ve always been quite envious of the people who have a firm idea – or even any idea at all that doesn’t change almost daily – of what they want to do when they’re older, finished school/college/university/whatever. I know that it sometimes makes it harder and makes the disappointment worse if you’ve been planning for something your whole life, and then suddenly one bad exam session or one bad piece of coursework, even, and you’re screwed. I think that might be why I was never really drawn towards the idea of Oxford/Cambridge/medicine courses… one mistake and you’ve got no chance. There’s also the fact that I’d never be good enough at the sciences to be a doctor… although, if I’d tried harder at school and got better GCSE grades (I didn’t do badly by any stretch of the imagination, but Oxford usually demand something ridiculous like 7A*s and I got 1 A* so that was the end of that idea), I might have applied to an Oxbridge University, and potentially gotten an offer.

So I never really had this amazingly firm idea of what I wanted to do until I was about fourteen. Before that, I’d gone through all the options – fireman (I used to want to be Fireman Sam), teacher, doctor, nurse, princess, all the usual careers that little girls tend to want. Then, when I was nine, I got an interest for history and I wanted to be a historian for a while. When I realized that I’m good at English, I decided that I wanted to be a journalist. Then I joined the youth and community theatre groups that have made my life so enjoyable the past few years – it’s where I’ve discovered a passion for acting and also where I met the man I’m madly in love with.

Acting had never really seemed like a career choice. I liked it when we did drama in school, and in Year Eight I was in the school musical and had quite a lot of fun playing one of the bad guy’s “minion” type characters, but it had never been something that I’d considered doing for real. I always used to love dressing up, playing imagination games like in the little toy house at school, playing Mums and Dads – but that’s a bit different to performing onstage in a theatre – but that’s what I ended up doing. I was in a production of A Christmas Carol, which was great, and then the next year, when we did a pantomime at Christmas, I was given the role of principal girl – the girl the hero falls in love with, and I absolutely loved it! The rush I got from acting and singing onstage, not in a chorus but actually on my own, was immense – it was pure adrenaline to me. It was around that time I started properly singing too – actually practicing and finding songs I was good at rather than just bopping around my bedroom with Pop Princesses 2 in the CD player and a hairbrush in my hand. I entered competitions including Park Resorts’ Karaoke Championships – I got through to the park finals, which was brilliant because we got a free holiday and I got to sing onstage (“Mamma Mia” and “Let It Be”, if you were wondering. Don’t worry – I still sing Beatles, but not so much ABBA these days!).

It just kept getting better and better – the next year, I played Little Red Riding Hood in the pantomime of the same name, and although that was a stressful year, I loved the performances. The best part is that I get on really well with the members of the theatre group, which is why I’m going to miss them so much if I go to university this year. In between pantomimes, I performed in revues with the youth theatre – acting, singing and dancing, sometimes on my own and sometimes in a group, but no matter what it was, I always loved it. And like I said, I met the man I love at theatre – the adult’s group were doing a serious play, and I was in a bit of a crappy relationship at the time, and that’s when our friendship became stronger – we’d known each other for a while, but then we did Aladdin for pantomime and got even closer and I love the fact that the first time I held hands with him was backstage during the pantomime. If nothing else, I owe the theatre group a lot for introducing me to him – although I know I owe them for a lot more, for everything they’ve done to me.

In short, I love acting. I love that my confidence has skyrocketed since I started acting, that I’ve made new friends from it, it’s something that I always look forwards to and it’s encouraged me to try new things, to step out of my comfort zone and to improve my skills (although I can sing and act, my dancing leaves a lot to be desired) but I’m getting there!

So, you can probably see where this is going – I decided I wanted to be an actress. Not just any actress – a musical theatre actress. I wanted to perform numerous shows every week in the West End, singing and acting my heart out and ending to rapturous applause. I figured it would be easy – after all, all you have to do is act and sing, right?

Last year, a lot of things combined to help me change my mind (unfortunately too late, because I’d already submitted my UCAS application to study drama, which wasn’t even the subject I particularly wanted to do, I just figured there was no way I’d get into an Acting course so I may as well try for Drama instead). I did “BLISS!”, a 60s musical directed by Russell Grant at Theatr Harlech, and being in that – having lots of lines to learn as well as solos in songs and dancing (I was one of the main cast) was exhilarating and I met so many new friends and learned so much – but it was also exhausting, and I was introduced to just a smidgen of how tough I imagine being a professional actress must be.

I helped with the props and stuff for the pantomime this year (Sleeping Beauty – I played the prince) and it made me realize just a bit of how much work goes into these shows that, as an actor I’ve just taken for granted the past few years and assumed that it comes from nowhere or something. It hasn’t made me resent acting – but I’ve realized just how easy it is, as an actor, to not appreciate the people backstage, the tech crew and the propmakers and wardrobe, and I think that if I was to become a professional actress, there’s every chance I’d turn into a person who people wouldn’t want to be around.

I like acting as a hobby, but if I had to study it every day for three years, I think I’d grow to resent it, and I wouldn’t want to do it again, as a career or as a hobby, and that would be a shame because I do love performing. So, I cancelled my UCAS application and decided that I wanted to be a children’s nurse. Or a midwife. But if that doesn’t work I’ll do creative writing. Or I’ll become a journalist. Or maybe I’ll just do drama….

These next few months could be fun.